*THE DOORS ARE CLOSING FROM ABOVE*

 I will let you decide how I woke up this morning:

        Choose one option:

    A. I woke up before my alarm

    B. I woke up to my alarm

    C. I woke up 20 minutes before class started and my alarm didn't go off at all

If you chose answer C, you are correct! I wish I had a prize to give you. I am quite proud of myself; I managed to get dressed and make it to the JKB to Linear Algebra on time. It's crazy what you can do when you only have one goal and not multiple things you're trying to accomplish. Today we learned about span and linear combinations, which seem pretty basic. I have not been confused yet in that class.

I talked briefly to Katy, not a whole lot, but some. I looked around for her but didn't see her when I first got there, so I sat by myself. Then I saw her in an adjacent hallway... and then I was too scared to go sit by her because I'm afraid of new people. So I texted her and asked if she was in the building even though I knew she was and then she came over and sat by me, so it worked out.

Greek and Roman Literature tugged at the heartstrings today. We talked about war (as usual) but today was much more personal. We related the war happening in the Iliad to the horrible, terrible wars in the real world. Did you know that 2020 was the year that America stopped paying out reimbursements for the Civil War? An old veteran married a very young lady, who finally died in 2020. That's a really long time for a relatively short war. We discussed dehumanization as a tool to help children stay sane while murdering other people. We talked about how war doesn't just effect those on the battlefield, but every single person who knows each and every soldier who has to be absent from their families and friends, whether permanently or temporarily. War is a harrowing thing. Those who start wars are often those who do not have to suffer. Black Sabbath said it well in their song "War Pigs":

"Politicians hide themselves away, they only started the war. Why should they go out to fight? They leave that role to the poor, yeah."

They don't suffer nearly as much as those who have to watch people wander in shock looking for lost limbs. They don't have to taste the bloody mud that sprays up with each grenade blast. They don't have to shoot people point blank and live with the feeling. It's no wonder PTSD is so prevalent among veterans of any sort of conflict. These things aren't things of the past that don't apply to our war-free world. This is happening in Ukraine and in Israel. I only hope that these things resolve themselves and that it doesn't come to involve the rest of the world. No, I hope they end so that nobody has to feel their effects anymore. I don't want to be forced to lower my compassion and become something unbelievable, disregarding human life like man to a bug.

On another happier note, today was career fair day. I arrived at work, grabbed a cart, and pulled boxes/chairs around until I was told everything was done. This is a fun part of my job, because I get to use the freight elevators in the Wilk. Something was different from the last time I used them, however. They installed an alarm that plays a very loud recording: "THE DOORS ARE CLOSING FROM ABOVE", accompanied by flashing lights and beeping. While moving things about with Sterling, I made some comment about it. He asked if I knew why they added them. I figured it was because someone got squished in one of them. He said yes, but if I knew who? I said no. He paused, stared me in the face, and said, "It was Dallin H. Oaks!" He said he talked to the guy who had to fill out the accident report for the incident, and that it was the security guard's fault for ushering them in while it was closing. Now there are warning signs everywhere because Dallin H. Oaks got hit on the head with a door. Funny, isn't it. Now it warns you that the doors are closing on your head before they hit you. Those doors were pretty loud in the first place, so I don't know how you wouldn't move out of the way when you heard them start closing, but he probably wasn't thinking about it.

I looked around my office today and realized that most of the people that I work with are married. Even the people that are only a couple of years older than I am are sealed up. That scares me about as much as war does, if not more. Is that not the saddest thing you've ever heard? I am afraid of marriage, everyone. I'm terrified of dates. I'd rather give a work presentation than go on a one on one date with a girl. My heart beats all weird and I feel stressed the whole time. I know that I do have to get married at some point, but I just try not to think about it because that means doing a lot more things before and after that I am also afraid of. I have an image in my head of what that version of myself would look like, and it isn't me. I don't feel like I'd be worth it as a spouse. I know what you're thinking: "oh my gosh that is so sad you have the lowest self esteem there's hope for you don't think that way how can we help you that isn't true you probably have depression now we're worried about you," I'm gonna cut you off right there. I do think that, but it doesn't bother me. Strangely enough, I don't feel pressure to be worth dating. I don't feel like I have anything to prove to anyone I'd go on a date with, which would be impressive in and of itself. I know what I'm doing and I know where I want to go. I don't need the approval of a female to feel like I can accomplish something great. For a lot of people, children are the single great thing they achieve. They do other things sure, but children stand out as the number one. My children will be my number one accomplishment as well, but I'm going to have a long list of other things I'm proud of doing. I know it. I won't let myself live without it. I've never really dated someone and I don't feel a need to for some reason. I know that I would like that kind of validation if I had it, but I don't feel like I need to go find it. I have other things in my life that are more important than that. Once I have decided to marry someone, then yeah, that'll take first place from whatever else I'm pursuing. But for now, I've got my number one. If you're reading this and thinking, "man, that kid doesn't want a girlfriend, he doesn't want to date anyone," that isn't what I said. I'm saying that I don't have to chase that right now. If it finds me, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. I'm not going to go out and look for it out of a combination of indifference, fear, past experience, and priority.

I guess that's all from me. I could go to the temple tomorrow morning with the regular temple group, but I don't really want to get up at 6. It's a building. It is God's building, and that makes it special. But it is a building nonetheless. I do not arise at 6 am for buildings. I know that could offend someone, but I don't care. Unfortunately that is the way my mind works. I wish it were different. I am going sleep now. Goodnight.