Novella X

10/28/24

Hello again, everyone.

I suppose it has been another blink of the eye for all of us. Maybe some people blink more than others. I felt like this week was a very slow blink.

I have learned a few things this week. I learned that I am not being trained. I learned more about the internal anatomy of a cockroach. I learned about the hierarchy of the organization I represent daily. I learned about Iran, Nigeria, Cote D'Ivoire (I can't remember how to do the accents, sorry), and many other countries. I'll let you know some of what happened.

CATEGORY: EVENTS AND HAPPENINGS

Our week was remarkably repetitive and boring. We kind of do a lot of sitting in our apartment. I am ready to leave when we are supposed to be leaving, and it seems that there may be minimal motivation to get up and go. Do me a favor and delete Facebook Reels from your acceptable activities. I deleted Facebook 3 weeks ago.

I have done a lot of thinking this week. I've realized that when left to do missionary work the way I know how and the way that I would want it done for me, I don't mind it too much. I know how to care about other people. I don't have to fake that part. Remember how talking to people was the worst 3 weeks ago? It is now the only thing that gets me through every day, because I don't just move on. I don't lead with church and I don't end with church. I just talk to people, even if they end up uninterested in the church, because they are worth my time. Despite what is wanted of me, I won't be a salesperson. I want to be more than that.

I've discovered something very interesting about people. If you show them you are a human being and talk to them about something they are interested in for just a few minutes, they will suddenly ask you a lot of questions. I don't even have to mention my missionary service. They'll ask something like "what's your tag for?" or "what brought you to Ottawa?" If you share things about your life with people, they share with you. "Oh, you're a missionary? What separates your church from the others?" Suddenly I'm having actually conversations about what we believe without walking up and testifying or preaching, which is a bit repulsive to the people here. Even if they say "no, I'm not interested," when I ask if they want to come, they usually start asking more questions and ask where the church is.

What is the goal? Am I trying to get people to add 1 more to our numbers for the week so that I can seem effective to the superiors? Or am I trying to foster actual change and discipleship in people? How can I better teach them to change their hearts for good and care about those around them? It starts with being an example. By caring about those around me and showing them that I can see past their agnostic front and as an individual, they are kind in return. I give them something to think about, something they actually think about, not throw out of their mind a few minutes later.

We have weekly meetings called "Joint Success," and this week's meeting made me feel very upset. I can't fully describe the near anger that was coursing through my mind with every beat of my heart. It was an ugly feeling. They are numbers meetings. I knew that before it started. However, the attitude surrounding this meeting was far worse. The zones each present their stats and their goals for next week, then typically share something about one of their baptisms. Each person who shared said the exact same things. They said so and so was so awesome because they just wanted so bad to be baptized and they are the best because they really wanna come to church. If that is true, great. Love to see it. But it was the way that most of the missionaries were so dismissive of the people. Then the mission president got on the meeting and said that "the direction of the area presidency is to focus wholly on the 6 key indicators" and that we needed to focus on going from "baptismal white to temple white". They didn't seem at all focused on being there for these people, it was just getting all the lessons into the Preach My Gospel app and adding another mark to the tally.

Is that success? The ward I am in has serious issues with new converts suddenly stopping their involvement with the church. On more than one occasion, missionaries will be teaching someone and helping them as new members, when they mysteriously no longer want to come to church and respond quite negatively to the missionaries. Why? From the most recent example, they were bombarded with texts and reminders and "ministerings" only when they didn't show up to church that week. When they went, nobody would talk to them, nobody would make friends with them. They formed no relationships at church and then as soon as they stopped going, their phone was ablaze with texts and calls and visits asking if they were okay and how they could help them get back to the covenant path. Not a good choice on behalf of the missionaries, members, and bishoprics who facilitated those things. Why focus so hard on getting someone to church when we can't focus on helping them grow closer to God and learn how to learn? Why send kids on missions if they aren't going to learn to think for themselves on how to help people?

Scriptures are typically thought of as leather-bound pages of writings from dead people. That is as literal as it gets. They are more than that, as you all know. They contain knowledge from people who came before, learning how to be better. They wrote it down because they wanted someone else to know it. We believe that our scriptures are inspired of God. They are stories of people just trying to figure it out. You're writing scripture. Just by living your life, you're writing scriptures into the minds of those around you.

I read more scriptures this week. Mine weren't on reams of paper. They were people that I talked to, who gave up much to chase a better life and flee captivity. They were things that I read and listened to about the world and about life. 

I read a play this week called "The Night Thoreau Spent in Jail". It nearly perfectly described my current condition. If you want to know how I actually feel, read this play. Email me and I will send you the copy that I've got. It was only 50 pages of play script, so maybe 25 actual pages. This play seemed a bit more scriptural than my scriptures did. It is a play about the life of Henry David Thoreau. He is thrown in jail because he won't pay his taxes to support to Mexican-American war. He didn't believe in what his organization was doing at that time with his money or his efforts, so he didn't support it. He stood up for what he believed in, and the only people who hated him were those in charge. Read this excerpt from the play, page 94:

----

     HENRY: Can you lie in bed every morning? Have your breakfast brought to you---your soft boiled egg, your toast and tea? Can you lift your right hand to your mouth while your left hand---which is also you---your government---is killing men in Mexico? How can you swallow, Waldo? How can you taste? How can you breathe? You cast your ballot with your right hand---but has your left hand killed Henry Williams, running to be free!

     WALDO: Because I don't rant like Jeremiah, do you think I'm not outraged? I do what *can* be done!

     HENRY: That's not enough. Do the impossible. That's what you tell people in your lectures. But you don't really believe any of it, do you? You trundle up and down New England, stepping to the lectern with that beneficent smile, accepting the handshake of mayors and the polite applause of little old ladies. You go on singing your spineless benedictions.

----

How often do we play Ralph Waldo Emerson? How often do we trundle through our pews --- through our lives --- step to our lecterns to declare our "beliefs", and then accept all the praise from the little old ladies and the presidencies?

I pose to you, reader, a question. What if you left that behind and found what you really needed to do to progress? I think the gospel advocates for this. What is the point in these mindless acts when they bring about no change? Repentance is change. Change is repentance. If you get up to say something in fast and testimony meeting, please speak from your heart. When you say I believe, or I testify, for heaven's sake, let it be what you truly believe. If you don't believe it, don't say you do. When thinking of what to say to a friend who is struggling, don't just tell them to go study and rely on Christ. Share with them what you did that helped you do that. Show them what you believe in. Do you believe in Christ? Then act that way. If you truly believe something, then say it, do it, and live it. But don't pretend. The world doesn't need more pretenders. 

I don't know if I will return "honorably" from a mission. I don't care. I know where my honor lies. However, I will come back 2 years from now a better person. I will come back having served and helped those around me come to know the example of Jesus Christ and what it can do for them. So far, a mission has not been effective in doing those things. I am not hopeless that it will change. I am going to make it to December and see if things improve. If I still feel the way that I do, then I will find a better way to serve people.

This email is already pretty long. I'll quickly mention the email that our president sent out to the missionaries with many rules and guidelines for many things that I didn't feel were something that he should be trying to manage. The tone of the email was pretty accusatory and fairly guilt stirring, which felt manipulative. It also said not to say anything negative about any part of the mission or its surrounding parts. That is something I will directly defy because telling people not to voice their concerns because you don't want people hearing about how things really are is wrong and I won't stand for it.

I'm looking for realness. I have found it in a couple of things that hopefully I'll have more to say about next week. I'm only here for two people, Matt and Vanessa, our two friends who I think need me right now. 

To save your eyes and your intellectual energy, I'll call this one and talk to you next week. If you have anything that stood out to you or something else you want to say, let me know.

I love you all.

Will Ott

3rd Verse

10/21/24

It has been seven days since you last received my correspondence. This week has been really long, but I made a goal to make it to at least November, and I'm almost there.

I'm gonna say some things in this email that might surprise a few people and others might be quite unsurprised. If you haven't figured it out yet, I care comparatively little about what other people think of me. I know what is right and I know how to treat people because it just makes sense.

I will explain what my frustrations this week were and what I've done to combat them. If I'm being honest, nothing has really changed but I know a bit more about myself than I did last week. This might be a bit everywhere, so forgive me if my writing fluency suffers a bit as I try to get all of my thoughts down.

CATEGORY: HOLISTIC REVIEW

As I told my aunt, I am the scum of the earth here. To the people I interact with daily, I'm just some weird religious recruiter that they dislike before I speak. To the ward members, I'm just some new kid to order around. To inactive people, I'm a pest. To other missionaries, I'm "disobedient" because people gossip. Some of the rules that I've ignored have been the only reason I've made it this far. You already know how the mission president feels about me. People here think that I'm stupid because I don't know all the acronyms they use and don't accept everything I'm told immediately.

Here is my reality: I am unapologetically myself because I'm not faking things for anybody. It is really easy for me to tell when someone is being ingenuine and I see a lot of that here. There are so many two faced people here that put on a personality and follow rules only when they are around any sort of authority. Thus, I have two options. Keep doing what I'm doing and feel good about it despite disapproval or change and feel like a fraud. I am going with the first one.

I had better conversations with people this week. When you don't invite someone to church immediately and just talk to them for a second, they tend to like you a bit more. For those who know what the following means... yes, I do have to speak to women as well, of whom I am very afraid. I mentioned that I was a missionary but if they clearly weren't interested I didn't talk to them about church. I talked to them about their major or their clothes or why they were in Ottawa. I got some disapproval for it, but I don't care.

Church will be church. I went this week and not a single ward member spoke to me. I hated last week, so I went and sat with some people in the back who looked a little lonely. I sat down next to a guy in a black and white shirt without a tie and a guy who had a white shirt and tie but looked very uncomfortable. I sat down and gave him a fist bump. We didn't talk cause sacrament was starting, but the three of us stifled a laugh when the hymn said 'molest' (really immature, I know, but they could've chosen any other lyric). Afterwards, I took a minute to get to know the two of them; one was named Marco, and he was a member in his youth but fell away from the church when he moved to Europe. Now that he was back in Ottawa, he wanted to be free of some things. His friend was name Marc (Marc and Marco) and he was from Ireland. He had the full accent and he said he left Ireland because people are fighting with the police. He liked the service so I invited them to sit with me for second hour and told them I had no idea how it would go. I like them both. I also met a 4th year student named Jackson who was just a normal guy. He was just looking to see what our church was about and what kind of rules we had going on. I told him I could talk to him more later if he wanted, and then we talked about other things.

Earlier in the week, I heard about a less active member named Yobo. He plays football and is working to get to the NFL. He has a chance. I texted him and asked him if we could throw a football around with him. He said yes. And then, he showed up at church, which he hasn't done in a while. I don't know if those two things were related.

I really relate to the inactive members. I know how they feel. I know a lot about their reasons. Why? Because I was them. I've been in their shoes. I hated going to church. I know how they think because I think that way too. I guess this ward has a lot of people who stop going because they don't feel very accepted at church.

I know what you're thinking, so don't even say it. "Oh my gosh Will that's why God sent you to Ottawa..." Respectfully, shut up. Just kidding. That was harsh. I know how to be nice to people and these people exist in every ward. There are people in your ward wherever you are that don't feel accepted because of the way we treat them. And most people don't care. Going over covenants for the 50th time without being vulnerable about why they are hard makes people who struggle feel alienating. Talking about pornography as a sin causes people who have problems with it to feel worse. Explaining again that we should report our ministering assignments makes even genuine interactions feel superficial. Asking the younger lady if she is dating anyone yet can cause stress. From someone who has been in places like these, please stop treating people like you're saving them by bringing them to church. You're not, and they can tell that's what you're doing and what you think. Some people need a break so they can figure things out. Would you treat people like people instead of statistics? Thank you. That is my goal as a missionary, whether in an official church mission or not.

That brings me to my next point. I don't believe in everything the church teaches. Please don't tell me to study more and that I will gain a testimony of it. I won't for some things. And I know what some people will say to that too. "Don't harden your heart, you're being like the Lamanites". I promise you my heart is anything but hardened. I have gone to great lengths to ensure I'm not missing anything. I just finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time. I prayed, just like Moroni promised blessings for. Guess what? Nothing. I sat and prayed for about an hour and felt nothing. I didn't have some witness that it was true or a feeling that I knew of its truth. I think that is a book about people who tried to follow God and how that affected them. I think there are valuable lessons to learn in there about how remembering God and trying to live like Christ is important. There are similar lessons in the Bible. And the Quran. And the Torah. We don't have a religious monopoly. I don't believe that you have to be LDS to be saved and if your ordinances aren't done, too bad. I don't know that the 3 kingdoms thing is exactly how things will work either.

If you made it through that paragraph, you might have a few thoughts and you might be tempted to call me to repentance. Hear me out. I'll tell you why I'm still here and why I'll still find a way to work the gospel in my life. I'm not just giving up on it all if that's what you're think.

What is the point of religion? Why do we go? What does it do for us? What does it do for others? There are people who seriously benefit from religion. There are people who really need it but don't know how to get involved. Religion is meant to help us live a better life and focus on other people a little more. It is meant to help us find more joy and better the world. It is meant to try to explain things that have no explanation and give people hope for a better world. All religions are doing that, whether through Jesus Christ or Allah or another deity. They do it in a variety of ways: meditation, prayer, scriptures, etc. There are people who need that. Even if I don't need that right now, some people do. I think our church has a lot of good things, but it's also fairly bad at recognizing when it says something harmful, and a lot of people are hurt by that. I want to help people see the good parts of our church and teach them how to deal with the bad parts too. Just because you don't agree with tithing doesn't mean you can't come to church and feel Christ's love. Some people need just that part right now. Who am I to judge which parts of the gospel apply to each person?

I'm about out of time tonight. I'm working on caring about some of the standards, so don't be offended if I answer you on another day besides Monday. I had a good conversation just now with someone and I'm trying to apply some things I learned. I'll be here till next week I think so I'll see you then.

Miss you all,

Will Ott

I'll update the photo album tonight so don't be sad there's no pictures. I'm also out of time.

Also, I just killed 24 cockroaches upon reentering our apartment. We just found another. So 25.

La Mission, A Memoir

10/14/24

I am writing this day-by-day because I think there will be a lot to write. Please forgive the length, haha. I should write a memoir with this because I'm pretty much almost done. However, you all seem fairly invested in what's going on, so I might as well give you the full story. TL;DR? Skip to the end and I'll summarize a bit. I love all of you and wanted to say thank you at the beginning so that you all know that I am grateful for you.

CATEGORY: TUESDAY MORNING

Monday night sucked. I talked to my family and they said they knew that I would make the right decision. The mission president doesn't control me. I can get on a train towards Connecticut and meet my grandparents if I want to. It is so liberating to know that I am free to do anything. I don't give him any power over me because I don't owe him anything now. He wasn't kind to me. He didn't follow his missionary purpose and made a pretty poor decision as a mission president. My family and friends agreed that he was acting very far from what he should. My great grandfather once disagreed with a church leader on a point of policy. He got a chance to talk to him about it and said that he didn't agree. The church leader said, "well if you don't agree, then why don't you just leave?" My great grandpa's response was pretty striking to me: "because it's my church too."

How impressive is it that in front of a leader, my grandfather had the courage to say the church was his too, and that he was going to feel however he wanted because he belonged there just as much as someone with a self-acclaimed title. It's just as much our leaders' church as it is ours. Sounds familiar.

Because I don't care what the mission president thinks of me, I decided to do this week the way that I believe missionary work should be done and truly invite people to Christ, not the church organization. I am not going to be miserable here, especially if it is my last few days. Despite a companion who just wants to trudge through every day so he can go home and say he did it, I am going to do things how they are supposed to be done. If the mission president sends me home for actually being a missionary, that's his loss and people will know. Kids on our mission have gotten to know me and have expressed their support for my perspective, and they will know something is up if I am sent home. I am supposed to meet with the mission president on Wednesday. Maybe he'll care then but I doubt it.

The next few days are mine. The next few days are mine to be a real missionary who makes a positive difference for people, not to follow the "righteous counsel" of a mission president that isn't acting very righteously.

Our friend Farzad was the last good thing going on here. We had a lesson with him. My companion tried to choose a lesson out of Preach My Gospel to teach. I calmly explained that maybe we should focus on Farzad's questions because he is brand new and is trying so hard to fit it with Christians. He is very used to an Islamic way of religion so it carries over into his new way of life often. Companion said that we had to teach him the lessons in the book for him to be baptized. I said "baptized? He doesn't even know about prayer, God, or Christ yet!" I told him that maybe he should learn about the important stuff before he gets involved in a baptism with potentially deadly consequences. I was told no. Companion said that Farzad wants to be a member which means baptism. He then said that you have to be baptized to be a Christian and he wants to be Christian. I almost yelled because I was so upset. That is wrong. Anyone who believes in Christ's mission is a Christian. Farzad is a better Christian than a lot of those who claim to be. I told him that, and he said that the scriptures say that except a man be born again, etc. I said but they have to know what they're getting into! We can't just throw him into a life that he knows nothing about. It'd just mess him up way worse later! I suggested we could potentially find another church for him if he didn't like all of our points. This was shocking for Companion. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Me? A missionary? Telling people they could come close to God in another church? Straight to hell. I'll see you all there, I'll even host the hell-come party.

My companion told me that I had a lot of doubts about the church and that I wouldn't get along with any of the other Elders. He told me I was lucky to have him because he is understanding where I'm coming from. He said that since I seem to have problems with some church policies and am not willing to invite people to church, I should probably consider going home. I told him I felt like my perspective could help people. He told me that because it doesn't put them on the covenant path it isn't missionary work. He said that the covenant path is what helps people, not me.

I understand that the Spirit converts people. I cannot bring the Spirit by ignoring people's experiences. My relationship with them is what brings the Spirit into our conversations, just like it did for Christ when he interacted with people. He already knew them, so he could immediately give invitations. I can't because I haven't reached that level of understanding yet.

CATEGORY: THURSDAY AFTERNOON

Let me recount to you the events that occurred since my last writings.

I did things my way. I walked up to people and told them that I was a missionary for my church, and that I wanted to help people find peace. I then asked if I could give them a card. It had our number on it and a link to the church's "Questions" page. Almost everyone said yes. I just talked to people. I gave them a chance to learn more about Christ by connecting with them and making them feel like they weren't weird for thinking that a missionary was a little bizarre. I didn't teach a lesson. I didn't invite them to church. I didn't invite them to hear a message about Jesus Christ then and there. I felt like I was doing good. I was happy. I liked the way I felt and I liked that I wasn't confronting someone's beliefs immediately. I had several positive interactions and it turns out people are actually very open to learning about your religion if you don't start with that. Those interactions usually took a bit longer, maybe 10 minutes, but I could issue real invitations and things that actually applied to them.

Companion was not so thrilled by this approach. He said that he was going to continue doing things the way he was taught to do them and didn't support me much in finding my own way to do this.

I had another call with the mission president. After thinking long and hard about what I needed to say, I was honest with him. Probably the most honest I have ever been about my faith. I told him that I didn't have the strongest testimony in prophets and that sometimes their words seemed a little ungodly to me. I said that I could not embrace everything in Preach My Gospel, but I didn't think that anything that I was doing was against anything that it said. I explained to him how I was approaching people. I told him that I felt good about what I was doing that day and that I felt like myself again.

The following 2 hour conversation was not a good one. He told me that the mission was going to be 100% aligned with Preach My Gospel and that was the only way I could be a missionary here. He told me that it sounded like I didn't have a faith in the mission itself and that since I couldn't embrace every part of Preach My Gospel, that I should maybe go home and think about it for a while. He said that since I wasn't teaching a restored principle, inviting people to church, or getting people's contact info that those things were not "what we do in our mission". 

I told him that I thought that a focus on key indicators was dehumanizing. I told him that I wasn't willing to put people in a box and talk to them just to check them off my list of people I'd reached out to. He began telling me again that I was only there to find those that God had already prepared to receive the gospel. He said that once I had an experience where someone came up to me in the street and told me they had been praying for someone like me, that I would understand that. He said that Sister Sorensen had been out with the sister missionaries in July and that exact thing had happened. He said that it happens every day in our mission to hundreds of missionaries. He said that if I wasn't willing to do that then perhaps I should return home until I was ready. I told him that I would never be willing to talk to people with the sole goal of getting their contact info to invite them to church. I told him that if he was going to send me home because I couldn't embrace everything, then that was fine. He said that I could try to turn it on him all I wanted, but the problem was that I wasn't willing to accept Preach My Gospel as I was being taught as the singular way to approach people. I told him that I wasn't because the way I was being taught it was wrong and that I wasn't willing to do that to people. 

He then suggested that I get my mom on the phone. I said that could be an interesting conversation. I knew my mom would fight for me because that is what she does. He then got on the phone with her and told her that I had called the first day and said that I wanted to go home. He said that since I couldn't fully embrace the way that I was being taught to view Preach My Gospel that I was going to have a really difficult time being here. I was going to conflict with other missionaries. The conversation lasted a very long time. It wasn't rude or hateful, but it wasn't a happy conversation. He told me he would call me in the morning and we could make a decision.

My mom didn't know we had talked before she was involved. She expressed care for me and that I had felt like I wasn't being heard, which was true. She supported me in doing what I knew was right and that I had the ability to talk to people and make a difference and that hearing someone say no and then moving on in one to two minutes was not a good way to do this anyways. The mission president reiterated that this was the way it was supposed to be, that we were to find the Lord's "elect", and that we were going to follow the model that had been set. He said that we don't have the luxury of getting to know people and that isn't our job as missionaries, but as ward members later in life. If that is true, which I don't really believe, then perhaps I would make a much better ward member than a missionary.

I did not receive any kind of encouragement to try to figure things out for myself. He didn't tell me that it was okay that I was struggling. He told me it was okay if I went home and couldn't do it. The lack of kindness was unbelieveable. I couldn't imagine that someone who was "called" just like I was could say that about someone he was supposed to be helping. I am not being treated well here. I reached out because I needed help and support in something I wasn't sure if I could do, and was told that I couldn't. I don't think that all mission presidents are like that, but I have felt patronized and put in a box, which is ironic because that's exactly what I'm working not to do to others. I don't fit the model so I don't count.

I know that is not true. I know how Christ would love others. I know that God supports me in my beliefs. He would be proud of me for refusing to give up an attitude of true Christlike love for other people. I am incredibly frustrated with the mission president, and if I am forced to work the way he tells me I have to, I cannot stay. I cannot put people on a list and check them off because they are not boxes; they are real people with complicated lives and I believe that is important. I believe that gives them power and helps other people see that change is possible.

The mission president called me the next morning and informed me that he would be counseling with others and come to a decision. I have no idea if that meant I would be involved. It sounds like I don't get to be a part of that decision. To be honest? I feel rejected by my mission. I feel that I am being treated awfully. I didn't expect to be babied, but I expect to receive some decency. I don't know that I want to stay and deal with this because nobody should have to. I am now off of the list of favorites. Because the mission president has the power in our relationship, he can put me in whatever area he wants, whatever niceness of housing, and keep me from speaking French if he so chooses. I don't want to deal with him coming after me over and over, companion after companion. I am a bit afraid for the future.

I was a stone that afternoon. We had a district council all about the numbers again and how to boost the people we have on date for baptism. It still felt wrong. I can't do that to people. It goes against everything I stand for.

Some people are great at introducing the gospel immediately. I am not. As someone who struggled in the gospel for a long time and who knows people who have, missionaries who start with a gospel topic are annoying. They are just trying to get you to give them what they want, they don't care about you or your life. Sadly, most missionaries are that way. I won't do it.

As I walked back to the car after not saying much for several hours, I pondered why I was here. Why did I give up my life to be here? I never had some grand experience telling me that a mission was for me. I had every reason to go home. So why didn't I? Since I am free to leave, why don't I just leave? I realized that somewhere out there, someone needed my perspective. The odds are low that it is someone without prior exposure to the church, but someone needs my perspective. I already found 13 of them in the MTC. How many more are there? I realized I truly didn't have to do it how the mission president told me. If he wants to send me home for that, so be it. I have to be me and I can't pretend to be someone else. If I am continually mistreated and labeled and told I'm not worth it, I will consider going home if it begins to take a toll on me. But for now, I don't have to street contact the way I've been told. I am not here for the Lord's elect. I am here for someone who needs me. When I find who that is, I will ask if there is anyone else.

Jesus told Peter, "If you love me, feed my sheep." He did not say go get my sheep. He did not say go mark my sheep. He said to feed them. Use what you have, use what you know to go and nourish the people I care about. Screw numbers. Screw the mission president's interpretation of Preach My Gospel. I am going to feed sheep with what I've got, even if it isn't the same as what other people are told to have.

My goal was to make it to Monday. If you're getting this email, that means I did it. My next goal is to make it to Wednesday. I would feel perfectly at peace in going home now because of what has happened. Maybe that's what I needed

I have learned that my companion is listening. I became worried for him and tried to help him because he seemed sad. By explaining to him why I am not the same as everyone else, he is beginning to understand. He worries for my future companions. I do too. However, I stopped letting him walk over me and things are getting a little bit better with him because I stopped putting up with everything. I told him what was frustrating me and he seemed at least a little bit sorry. He isn't making me do things his way, which I really appreciate.

I might leave because I am frustrated with how the mission has treated me. I prayed and God stayed pretty quiet, so I'm assuming that He trusts me and that if He has something to say, he'll let me know. I can't do street contacting all day because it's not who I am. But if I figure something else out, I'll stay. I know I'm good at certain things. This experience has taught me that even if I leave my mission, I won't leave my beliefs in God and how he feels about me.

CATEGORY: MONDAY (HALLELUJAH)

Yes, I made it here. There was a bit less that happened over the next few days, so let me tell you about it. 

I decided that I wanted to be nice to people even more. I spent some of my allowance on 2 boxes of Rice Krispies. I bought 108 Rice Krispies to give out to people. We went to our usual Carleton campus and Algonquin bus stop. People are much more interested if you give them something first. I had much happier interactions with people. 

I offered one lady a Rice Krispie, and she said "can I have it even if I don't look into your church?" I said "of course, but can I give you a card in case you change your mind?" She started to cry and said "I had a really hard day today. Thank you for being kind to me. This means a whole lot." I was so happy. I was being kind to people. I wasn't getting phone numbers or dots or anything I was supposed to. I was being kind. Companion is upset about all of this. He avoids taking me out now. We have didn't go out yesterday and maybe an hour on Saturday. We didn't do any service because "there wasn't any going on."

I am realizing that a mission isn't how I want to be helping people. Lessons are great, but only when I go off script a little bit and actually try to help the person. Cue Matt. He is a kid my age and I get along with him well. I met him for the first time and we were friends pretty quick. Perhaps because I am not treating him like other people do. I don't know. He said that he had heard of Joseph Smith, and companion began to preach to him about JS and I could see the sort of pain in Matt's eyes. I jumped in an said, "if you've heard of JS, you've probably heard of all the dirt on him too." Matt smiled and said "yeah". I told him, "if you have any questions about any of it, let me know because I'm still trying to sort through all of that too." He seemed very grateful for that.

-----------------------------------------------------

I would like to say thank you to all of the reponses I got. I am immensely grateful for all of your support and for trying to help me through all of this. I am working as hard as I can to get to all of them, so if I haven't replied to you yet, I will soon.

I have made some decisions. 

1. I don't like the way I'm being asked to treat people.

2. The mission president is not willing to help me work through it. He thinks I should go home.

3. The other Elders have been convinced that there is only one way to be a missionary. I would fight a lot of people if I were to stay.

With those three decisions, I have done a couple things. I signed up for Americorps, which is another service organization. They don't start for a while, so I'm not sure how long I'll stay here. They do educational support for kids and disaster response. Those both sound like things I would love doing and could help a lot of people. I am submitting my application. I am still praying for some sort of answer, but I have felt the most peace when I have thought about going elsewhere. I signed up to help people for 2 years, and that is what I am going to do, whether here or elsewhere.

I have thought a lot about the emotional toll this has taken on me. Street contacting the way I am being told to do it is not going to work for me. Sunday wasn't good either. There were some older guys in the YSA who were returned missionaries and they were kinda making fun of me. The ward wasn't welcoming at all. Only one person (who seems kind of like he is on the outside as well) talked to me on Sunday. I feel extremely alone and I haven't felt any sort of joy except for when I was giving out Rice Krispies. I am not sure that I can help people to the best of my ability here.

I am still working on things. I will see what happens with exchanges, then decide how much longer I will stay. Thank you for reading. I love hearing your thoughts, so if you have anything, let me know.

Dearest regards,

Will Ott

The Gilded Age

10/7/24

Hello! I am happy to be back in your inbox. Crazy that another week has gone by. Then again, it is crazy that only a week has gone by. 

Do you want a happy email where everything is fine? Here is a positive sounding email.

CATEGORY: POSITIVE EMAIL

This week was full of pretty places and kind people! I got to talk to a couple people who were happy to talk about religion and seemed excited to talk to us. One guy fled Iran because of their problematic situation and he says he is ready to give up Islam and embrace Christianity. We aren't sure if we can teach him yet because there are more consequences at home for him and his family if the country finds out he converted. Pray for him! I know that God will provide a way and that he can find happiness.

My companion is from Vernal, and he loves cars and engines and country music. Pretty close to home if you ask me! Ottawa is a beautiful city and I got to ride here by train which was so cool. I talked to a lot of people on the streets. He is teaching me a lot.

Anyways that's all from me. Just another week from me! Love you all and see you next week!

If you wanted a positive, happy email, there it was. If you couldn't tell, that wasn't me. That was ingenuine and false and although I didn't lie, I didn't tell you the whole story. If you don't want to be disappointed, just stop reading there and pretend that's all you know.

This is not a happy story. As I write this, I am incredibly upset. Please forgive anything I say that upsets you. I have a lot to write.

CATEGORY: REAL LIFE

I came on my mission to help people. I wanted people to see Christ through me and to see that there is a better, happier way to live. That's how Christ did things. He went about doing good and serving others. There were no "elect" in his eyes, simply people, good people, who were all worthy of his help. Harlots, castaways, lepers, these were people that Jesus Christ ministered to. He gave those who needed it a chance to become better.

Since arriving in Canada, nothing has been that way. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened upon me getting here. We were taken to the airport at 4:30 am. I was excited, ready to be headed to the field. I was prepared to go serve people and help them, extending the message of the Gospel when the Spirit directed me to. I rode the plane with one of my close friends, Elder Smith. We talked about our lives and we grew from just that conversation. Getting to know people makes both of you better.

I got to the mission home in the evening. I was excited to be placed in Ottawa. I was minimally excited to be speaking English, but that meant that I could better express the way I felt. I slept on a pad on the ground and I was given a small meal. I was grateful for their generosity and the home was beautiful. I heard the mission president express care and love for his missionaries. He did some other things that I do not care to write in this email. We woke up and saw the city outlook and it was beautiful. I had hope then. We went to meetings. I was fairly excited to be a missionary. They then said that we were going to go street contacting for an hour. I was excited to try. I was nervous to talk to people. We went down to Olympic Stadium. I spoke French to the first person I saw. He said something long and hard to understand, so I asked him if he spoke English. He said yes, then asked me why I was working for my church. I said I wasn't working, I was volunteering to help people. He said no, you're working. "Why is your church recruiting people?" I said they're not, they were also trying to help people. He said they weren't, then said I was a terrible liar and that I needed to learn to lie better. He told Elder [Companion] that he would have to teach me to lie better because I was not going to convince anyone. He told me that God was dead in this world and that with atheism and LGBTQ rights and more that we would never find success here. I felt hated, but I knew he was wrong. I didn't care that he hated God.

The rest of that day was horrible. We were spit at, scorned, laughed at, mocked. It was awful. A feeling of extreme dread set into my heart. It did not go away. I felt so terrible for going around and asking people if they wanted to come to church with us. It did not fade for the rest of the day. I cried on the train to Ottawa. Tears fell silently as I looked at the beautiful fields of Alexandria and saw the soft fields of wheat blowing in the wind. Why was it so hard? After I had gotten my emotions under control, I talked to the lady next to me. She turned out to be the dean of Dentistry at McGill. We had a conversation about religion and I recommended the Book of Mormon for her to give her friend who was battling cancer. She said she thought she would love that. That was the only positive interaction that I had that day. 

Then began the trials. We made it back to the apartment. I learned that we had a cockroach infestation. I was informed that we had no food at the apartment. I was hungry, we had rice and ground sausage, so I ate that. I still felt the same intensity of pain that I had earlier. I prayed for it to go away and for tomorrow to be better. I fell asleep with an aching heart.

I woke up in the morning at 6:30. I studied the scriptures like I never had before. They were comforting, something I could control. I read a lot. I got hungry again, and found an orange on top of the fridge. I started to peel it and [Companion] said "I don't know about that one, those are super old," but I was starving so I took my chances. We went finding. It felt so wrong again. I wasn't getting to know anyone, I wasn't helping anyone. I was just being annoying and treating them as a statistic. I couldn't take it anymore. We finished our hour and headed back to the car. I told [Companion] how I felt. He told me that it wasn't wrong to invite people, but that is what we were hear to do. We weren't here to help people, we were here to invite them to Christ. I was confused. Service is how Christ helped people. After he got to know them he told them about the gospel. I said that something wass going to have to change because I couldn't do that every day. We talked about it forever, and I didn't feel very listened to. He pretty much just told me how maybe a mission wasn't going to be what I thought it was and that I needed to change my perspective. I had the same sinking feeling I had the day before. My heart felt like it was going to explode. [Companion] scheduled a call with the mission president for Monday night. I thanked him.

I realized soon after that I wasn't being a problem. I decided the following day that I was going to do things a little differently than the day before. Instead of saying, "Do you want to come to church with us?" I asked, "Do you want to be in a short video about gratitude?" The results were much more positive. I had conversations, got to know people, and gave them an opportunity to feel gratitude in their lives. It felt good. It felt Christ-like. I was doing good in the world. I spread the gospel. My companion was silent. He didn't speak to anyone. I did the same thing the following day. I am in a YSA, so I go finding on college campuses. However, we went to a park on the third day because of an event happening at Carleton. Everyone said no, but one lady wanted to talk. We gave her the link to general conference. Who knows what happened there. We talked to her forever.

After that, we went to the gas station to find my companion a soda that he wanted. We talked more. As I was being lectured about being a better missionary, I watched people giving food and clothes to a homeless man. It hurt my heart deeply to realize that they were being better missionaries than I was. I bought him a drink because that's what I thought missionaries should be doing, not pestering people about their church. We have had 3 lessons. The first I didn't say much. [Companion] preached the whole time, didn't acknowledge the guy's questions, and cut him off at exactly 20 minutes to say that we had to go. I told Imaad that prayer was supposed to be something personal and he could say what he wanted. I then gave the prayer and didn't let him copy me line for line like he did with [Companion]. Our second lesson, I took charge and got to know who we were teaching. The third lesson, I did it again, and went off script from what [Companion] was doing because I felt like the Book of Mormon had what she was looking for. He was upset a little bit about that, but I didn't care, because she said she wanted to read it.

[Companion] tried to use my card to buy things because he has no money. I don't know where it went. I told him it had to stop today. I never know our schedule. I am not included in communications with members and friends. He doesn't seem to be keeping commitments or following up with our friends. It is bringing people down. He did not let us go get food to eat because it wasn't our p-day and he said Costco would be better. He used my card to buy himself some grocery items before I knew there was nothing at home. I ate rice with ranch for several days. I don't have a SIM card or driving privileges, so I don't know what is going on. I couldn't reach out to other missionaries or mission leaders for help. He shoots down what I say. I find beautiful things in the world now, and he tells me things like "they've always been there," or "yeah not really." I try my hardest not to be mean to him. He has on and off moods of fake kindness and passive aggression. I was getting really, really discouraged by him. He kept telling me that I wasn't there to help people, I was there to invite those who were ready to Christ.

I wish I could say it got better. I don't want to write a lot more, so I will end with what happened tonight.

I had my call with the mission president. It was terrible. He told me that [Companion] was the best they had, a great missionary and I should consider myself lucky to have him. I was told that my purpose was to find God's elect, and that we were supposed to focus our efforts on them. He didn't take the time to get to know my background or perspective. He didn't validate my feelings. He just told me I was wrong for wanting to help as many people as possible. Within the first 5 minutes, he told me that perhaps a service mission was better. He pretends to care about people, but he doesn't really. It made me very upset to hear what he said. I told him that I don't think he had an accurate perspective on [Companion] and that I didn't support the whole God's Elect idea. I said that God views everyone equally and that we should be trying to help as many people as we can with what they need. Then, when they are ready, they will remember those Elders who were kind and helped them and will want to reach out. I was informed that I was incorrect and that if I couldn't go out and do what Preach My Gospel said to do in chapter 7 every day for 6 hours, then I wasn't cut out to be here.

I have rarely felt anger as strong as I did after that call. I was struggling to find joy here, I was struggling to want to stay. But this is not missionary service. This is suffering. And I don't think I can be a part of it. I do not know how much longer I am staying. I don't think it is very long. I learned a lot on my short mission about caring for others and changing lives. This is not it for me. I will always love the gospel, but I cannot be a part of the culture being fostered at the Canada Montreal Mission. I am willing to talk about this with anyone. I don't want to hear half encouragements about how many blessings I'll get if I stay or how miracles are going to happen. I think missions are great for some people, but my experience has been so awful that I can't be here anymore. These last 5 days have been the worst in my entire life, and they have not been getting better.

I don't have any pictures to add here. I'll put them on the album. Wish me luck in the next few days. I am going to need it.

If you made it this far, know that I love you, and thank you for reading such a long email. I will keep doing these even if I go home.

Bye for now,

Will Ott