La Mission, A Memoir

10/14/24

I am writing this day-by-day because I think there will be a lot to write. Please forgive the length, haha. I should write a memoir with this because I'm pretty much almost done. However, you all seem fairly invested in what's going on, so I might as well give you the full story. TL;DR? Skip to the end and I'll summarize a bit. I love all of you and wanted to say thank you at the beginning so that you all know that I am grateful for you.

CATEGORY: TUESDAY MORNING

Monday night sucked. I talked to my family and they said they knew that I would make the right decision. The mission president doesn't control me. I can get on a train towards Connecticut and meet my grandparents if I want to. It is so liberating to know that I am free to do anything. I don't give him any power over me because I don't owe him anything now. He wasn't kind to me. He didn't follow his missionary purpose and made a pretty poor decision as a mission president. My family and friends agreed that he was acting very far from what he should. My great grandfather once disagreed with a church leader on a point of policy. He got a chance to talk to him about it and said that he didn't agree. The church leader said, "well if you don't agree, then why don't you just leave?" My great grandpa's response was pretty striking to me: "because it's my church too."

How impressive is it that in front of a leader, my grandfather had the courage to say the church was his too, and that he was going to feel however he wanted because he belonged there just as much as someone with a self-acclaimed title. It's just as much our leaders' church as it is ours. Sounds familiar.

Because I don't care what the mission president thinks of me, I decided to do this week the way that I believe missionary work should be done and truly invite people to Christ, not the church organization. I am not going to be miserable here, especially if it is my last few days. Despite a companion who just wants to trudge through every day so he can go home and say he did it, I am going to do things how they are supposed to be done. If the mission president sends me home for actually being a missionary, that's his loss and people will know. Kids on our mission have gotten to know me and have expressed their support for my perspective, and they will know something is up if I am sent home. I am supposed to meet with the mission president on Wednesday. Maybe he'll care then but I doubt it.

The next few days are mine. The next few days are mine to be a real missionary who makes a positive difference for people, not to follow the "righteous counsel" of a mission president that isn't acting very righteously.

Our friend Farzad was the last good thing going on here. We had a lesson with him. My companion tried to choose a lesson out of Preach My Gospel to teach. I calmly explained that maybe we should focus on Farzad's questions because he is brand new and is trying so hard to fit it with Christians. He is very used to an Islamic way of religion so it carries over into his new way of life often. Companion said that we had to teach him the lessons in the book for him to be baptized. I said "baptized? He doesn't even know about prayer, God, or Christ yet!" I told him that maybe he should learn about the important stuff before he gets involved in a baptism with potentially deadly consequences. I was told no. Companion said that Farzad wants to be a member which means baptism. He then said that you have to be baptized to be a Christian and he wants to be Christian. I almost yelled because I was so upset. That is wrong. Anyone who believes in Christ's mission is a Christian. Farzad is a better Christian than a lot of those who claim to be. I told him that, and he said that the scriptures say that except a man be born again, etc. I said but they have to know what they're getting into! We can't just throw him into a life that he knows nothing about. It'd just mess him up way worse later! I suggested we could potentially find another church for him if he didn't like all of our points. This was shocking for Companion. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Me? A missionary? Telling people they could come close to God in another church? Straight to hell. I'll see you all there, I'll even host the hell-come party.

My companion told me that I had a lot of doubts about the church and that I wouldn't get along with any of the other Elders. He told me I was lucky to have him because he is understanding where I'm coming from. He said that since I seem to have problems with some church policies and am not willing to invite people to church, I should probably consider going home. I told him I felt like my perspective could help people. He told me that because it doesn't put them on the covenant path it isn't missionary work. He said that the covenant path is what helps people, not me.

I understand that the Spirit converts people. I cannot bring the Spirit by ignoring people's experiences. My relationship with them is what brings the Spirit into our conversations, just like it did for Christ when he interacted with people. He already knew them, so he could immediately give invitations. I can't because I haven't reached that level of understanding yet.

CATEGORY: THURSDAY AFTERNOON

Let me recount to you the events that occurred since my last writings.

I did things my way. I walked up to people and told them that I was a missionary for my church, and that I wanted to help people find peace. I then asked if I could give them a card. It had our number on it and a link to the church's "Questions" page. Almost everyone said yes. I just talked to people. I gave them a chance to learn more about Christ by connecting with them and making them feel like they weren't weird for thinking that a missionary was a little bizarre. I didn't teach a lesson. I didn't invite them to church. I didn't invite them to hear a message about Jesus Christ then and there. I felt like I was doing good. I was happy. I liked the way I felt and I liked that I wasn't confronting someone's beliefs immediately. I had several positive interactions and it turns out people are actually very open to learning about your religion if you don't start with that. Those interactions usually took a bit longer, maybe 10 minutes, but I could issue real invitations and things that actually applied to them.

Companion was not so thrilled by this approach. He said that he was going to continue doing things the way he was taught to do them and didn't support me much in finding my own way to do this.

I had another call with the mission president. After thinking long and hard about what I needed to say, I was honest with him. Probably the most honest I have ever been about my faith. I told him that I didn't have the strongest testimony in prophets and that sometimes their words seemed a little ungodly to me. I said that I could not embrace everything in Preach My Gospel, but I didn't think that anything that I was doing was against anything that it said. I explained to him how I was approaching people. I told him that I felt good about what I was doing that day and that I felt like myself again.

The following 2 hour conversation was not a good one. He told me that the mission was going to be 100% aligned with Preach My Gospel and that was the only way I could be a missionary here. He told me that it sounded like I didn't have a faith in the mission itself and that since I couldn't embrace every part of Preach My Gospel, that I should maybe go home and think about it for a while. He said that since I wasn't teaching a restored principle, inviting people to church, or getting people's contact info that those things were not "what we do in our mission". 

I told him that I thought that a focus on key indicators was dehumanizing. I told him that I wasn't willing to put people in a box and talk to them just to check them off my list of people I'd reached out to. He began telling me again that I was only there to find those that God had already prepared to receive the gospel. He said that once I had an experience where someone came up to me in the street and told me they had been praying for someone like me, that I would understand that. He said that Sister Sorensen had been out with the sister missionaries in July and that exact thing had happened. He said that it happens every day in our mission to hundreds of missionaries. He said that if I wasn't willing to do that then perhaps I should return home until I was ready. I told him that I would never be willing to talk to people with the sole goal of getting their contact info to invite them to church. I told him that if he was going to send me home because I couldn't embrace everything, then that was fine. He said that I could try to turn it on him all I wanted, but the problem was that I wasn't willing to accept Preach My Gospel as I was being taught as the singular way to approach people. I told him that I wasn't because the way I was being taught it was wrong and that I wasn't willing to do that to people. 

He then suggested that I get my mom on the phone. I said that could be an interesting conversation. I knew my mom would fight for me because that is what she does. He then got on the phone with her and told her that I had called the first day and said that I wanted to go home. He said that since I couldn't fully embrace the way that I was being taught to view Preach My Gospel that I was going to have a really difficult time being here. I was going to conflict with other missionaries. The conversation lasted a very long time. It wasn't rude or hateful, but it wasn't a happy conversation. He told me he would call me in the morning and we could make a decision.

My mom didn't know we had talked before she was involved. She expressed care for me and that I had felt like I wasn't being heard, which was true. She supported me in doing what I knew was right and that I had the ability to talk to people and make a difference and that hearing someone say no and then moving on in one to two minutes was not a good way to do this anyways. The mission president reiterated that this was the way it was supposed to be, that we were to find the Lord's "elect", and that we were going to follow the model that had been set. He said that we don't have the luxury of getting to know people and that isn't our job as missionaries, but as ward members later in life. If that is true, which I don't really believe, then perhaps I would make a much better ward member than a missionary.

I did not receive any kind of encouragement to try to figure things out for myself. He didn't tell me that it was okay that I was struggling. He told me it was okay if I went home and couldn't do it. The lack of kindness was unbelieveable. I couldn't imagine that someone who was "called" just like I was could say that about someone he was supposed to be helping. I am not being treated well here. I reached out because I needed help and support in something I wasn't sure if I could do, and was told that I couldn't. I don't think that all mission presidents are like that, but I have felt patronized and put in a box, which is ironic because that's exactly what I'm working not to do to others. I don't fit the model so I don't count.

I know that is not true. I know how Christ would love others. I know that God supports me in my beliefs. He would be proud of me for refusing to give up an attitude of true Christlike love for other people. I am incredibly frustrated with the mission president, and if I am forced to work the way he tells me I have to, I cannot stay. I cannot put people on a list and check them off because they are not boxes; they are real people with complicated lives and I believe that is important. I believe that gives them power and helps other people see that change is possible.

The mission president called me the next morning and informed me that he would be counseling with others and come to a decision. I have no idea if that meant I would be involved. It sounds like I don't get to be a part of that decision. To be honest? I feel rejected by my mission. I feel that I am being treated awfully. I didn't expect to be babied, but I expect to receive some decency. I don't know that I want to stay and deal with this because nobody should have to. I am now off of the list of favorites. Because the mission president has the power in our relationship, he can put me in whatever area he wants, whatever niceness of housing, and keep me from speaking French if he so chooses. I don't want to deal with him coming after me over and over, companion after companion. I am a bit afraid for the future.

I was a stone that afternoon. We had a district council all about the numbers again and how to boost the people we have on date for baptism. It still felt wrong. I can't do that to people. It goes against everything I stand for.

Some people are great at introducing the gospel immediately. I am not. As someone who struggled in the gospel for a long time and who knows people who have, missionaries who start with a gospel topic are annoying. They are just trying to get you to give them what they want, they don't care about you or your life. Sadly, most missionaries are that way. I won't do it.

As I walked back to the car after not saying much for several hours, I pondered why I was here. Why did I give up my life to be here? I never had some grand experience telling me that a mission was for me. I had every reason to go home. So why didn't I? Since I am free to leave, why don't I just leave? I realized that somewhere out there, someone needed my perspective. The odds are low that it is someone without prior exposure to the church, but someone needs my perspective. I already found 13 of them in the MTC. How many more are there? I realized I truly didn't have to do it how the mission president told me. If he wants to send me home for that, so be it. I have to be me and I can't pretend to be someone else. If I am continually mistreated and labeled and told I'm not worth it, I will consider going home if it begins to take a toll on me. But for now, I don't have to street contact the way I've been told. I am not here for the Lord's elect. I am here for someone who needs me. When I find who that is, I will ask if there is anyone else.

Jesus told Peter, "If you love me, feed my sheep." He did not say go get my sheep. He did not say go mark my sheep. He said to feed them. Use what you have, use what you know to go and nourish the people I care about. Screw numbers. Screw the mission president's interpretation of Preach My Gospel. I am going to feed sheep with what I've got, even if it isn't the same as what other people are told to have.

My goal was to make it to Monday. If you're getting this email, that means I did it. My next goal is to make it to Wednesday. I would feel perfectly at peace in going home now because of what has happened. Maybe that's what I needed

I have learned that my companion is listening. I became worried for him and tried to help him because he seemed sad. By explaining to him why I am not the same as everyone else, he is beginning to understand. He worries for my future companions. I do too. However, I stopped letting him walk over me and things are getting a little bit better with him because I stopped putting up with everything. I told him what was frustrating me and he seemed at least a little bit sorry. He isn't making me do things his way, which I really appreciate.

I might leave because I am frustrated with how the mission has treated me. I prayed and God stayed pretty quiet, so I'm assuming that He trusts me and that if He has something to say, he'll let me know. I can't do street contacting all day because it's not who I am. But if I figure something else out, I'll stay. I know I'm good at certain things. This experience has taught me that even if I leave my mission, I won't leave my beliefs in God and how he feels about me.

CATEGORY: MONDAY (HALLELUJAH)

Yes, I made it here. There was a bit less that happened over the next few days, so let me tell you about it. 

I decided that I wanted to be nice to people even more. I spent some of my allowance on 2 boxes of Rice Krispies. I bought 108 Rice Krispies to give out to people. We went to our usual Carleton campus and Algonquin bus stop. People are much more interested if you give them something first. I had much happier interactions with people. 

I offered one lady a Rice Krispie, and she said "can I have it even if I don't look into your church?" I said "of course, but can I give you a card in case you change your mind?" She started to cry and said "I had a really hard day today. Thank you for being kind to me. This means a whole lot." I was so happy. I was being kind to people. I wasn't getting phone numbers or dots or anything I was supposed to. I was being kind. Companion is upset about all of this. He avoids taking me out now. We have didn't go out yesterday and maybe an hour on Saturday. We didn't do any service because "there wasn't any going on."

I am realizing that a mission isn't how I want to be helping people. Lessons are great, but only when I go off script a little bit and actually try to help the person. Cue Matt. He is a kid my age and I get along with him well. I met him for the first time and we were friends pretty quick. Perhaps because I am not treating him like other people do. I don't know. He said that he had heard of Joseph Smith, and companion began to preach to him about JS and I could see the sort of pain in Matt's eyes. I jumped in an said, "if you've heard of JS, you've probably heard of all the dirt on him too." Matt smiled and said "yeah". I told him, "if you have any questions about any of it, let me know because I'm still trying to sort through all of that too." He seemed very grateful for that.

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I would like to say thank you to all of the reponses I got. I am immensely grateful for all of your support and for trying to help me through all of this. I am working as hard as I can to get to all of them, so if I haven't replied to you yet, I will soon.

I have made some decisions. 

1. I don't like the way I'm being asked to treat people.

2. The mission president is not willing to help me work through it. He thinks I should go home.

3. The other Elders have been convinced that there is only one way to be a missionary. I would fight a lot of people if I were to stay.

With those three decisions, I have done a couple things. I signed up for Americorps, which is another service organization. They don't start for a while, so I'm not sure how long I'll stay here. They do educational support for kids and disaster response. Those both sound like things I would love doing and could help a lot of people. I am submitting my application. I am still praying for some sort of answer, but I have felt the most peace when I have thought about going elsewhere. I signed up to help people for 2 years, and that is what I am going to do, whether here or elsewhere.

I have thought a lot about the emotional toll this has taken on me. Street contacting the way I am being told to do it is not going to work for me. Sunday wasn't good either. There were some older guys in the YSA who were returned missionaries and they were kinda making fun of me. The ward wasn't welcoming at all. Only one person (who seems kind of like he is on the outside as well) talked to me on Sunday. I feel extremely alone and I haven't felt any sort of joy except for when I was giving out Rice Krispies. I am not sure that I can help people to the best of my ability here.

I am still working on things. I will see what happens with exchanges, then decide how much longer I will stay. Thank you for reading. I love hearing your thoughts, so if you have anything, let me know.

Dearest regards,

Will Ott