The Gilded Age

10/7/24

Hello! I am happy to be back in your inbox. Crazy that another week has gone by. Then again, it is crazy that only a week has gone by. 

Do you want a happy email where everything is fine? Here is a positive sounding email.

CATEGORY: POSITIVE EMAIL

This week was full of pretty places and kind people! I got to talk to a couple people who were happy to talk about religion and seemed excited to talk to us. One guy fled Iran because of their problematic situation and he says he is ready to give up Islam and embrace Christianity. We aren't sure if we can teach him yet because there are more consequences at home for him and his family if the country finds out he converted. Pray for him! I know that God will provide a way and that he can find happiness.

My companion is from Vernal, and he loves cars and engines and country music. Pretty close to home if you ask me! Ottawa is a beautiful city and I got to ride here by train which was so cool. I talked to a lot of people on the streets. He is teaching me a lot.

Anyways that's all from me. Just another week from me! Love you all and see you next week!

If you wanted a positive, happy email, there it was. If you couldn't tell, that wasn't me. That was ingenuine and false and although I didn't lie, I didn't tell you the whole story. If you don't want to be disappointed, just stop reading there and pretend that's all you know.

This is not a happy story. As I write this, I am incredibly upset. Please forgive anything I say that upsets you. I have a lot to write.

CATEGORY: REAL LIFE

I came on my mission to help people. I wanted people to see Christ through me and to see that there is a better, happier way to live. That's how Christ did things. He went about doing good and serving others. There were no "elect" in his eyes, simply people, good people, who were all worthy of his help. Harlots, castaways, lepers, these were people that Jesus Christ ministered to. He gave those who needed it a chance to become better.

Since arriving in Canada, nothing has been that way. Let me tell you a little bit about what happened upon me getting here. We were taken to the airport at 4:30 am. I was excited, ready to be headed to the field. I was prepared to go serve people and help them, extending the message of the Gospel when the Spirit directed me to. I rode the plane with one of my close friends, Elder Smith. We talked about our lives and we grew from just that conversation. Getting to know people makes both of you better.

I got to the mission home in the evening. I was excited to be placed in Ottawa. I was minimally excited to be speaking English, but that meant that I could better express the way I felt. I slept on a pad on the ground and I was given a small meal. I was grateful for their generosity and the home was beautiful. I heard the mission president express care and love for his missionaries. He did some other things that I do not care to write in this email. We woke up and saw the city outlook and it was beautiful. I had hope then. We went to meetings. I was fairly excited to be a missionary. They then said that we were going to go street contacting for an hour. I was excited to try. I was nervous to talk to people. We went down to Olympic Stadium. I spoke French to the first person I saw. He said something long and hard to understand, so I asked him if he spoke English. He said yes, then asked me why I was working for my church. I said I wasn't working, I was volunteering to help people. He said no, you're working. "Why is your church recruiting people?" I said they're not, they were also trying to help people. He said they weren't, then said I was a terrible liar and that I needed to learn to lie better. He told Elder [Companion] that he would have to teach me to lie better because I was not going to convince anyone. He told me that God was dead in this world and that with atheism and LGBTQ rights and more that we would never find success here. I felt hated, but I knew he was wrong. I didn't care that he hated God.

The rest of that day was horrible. We were spit at, scorned, laughed at, mocked. It was awful. A feeling of extreme dread set into my heart. It did not go away. I felt so terrible for going around and asking people if they wanted to come to church with us. It did not fade for the rest of the day. I cried on the train to Ottawa. Tears fell silently as I looked at the beautiful fields of Alexandria and saw the soft fields of wheat blowing in the wind. Why was it so hard? After I had gotten my emotions under control, I talked to the lady next to me. She turned out to be the dean of Dentistry at McGill. We had a conversation about religion and I recommended the Book of Mormon for her to give her friend who was battling cancer. She said she thought she would love that. That was the only positive interaction that I had that day. 

Then began the trials. We made it back to the apartment. I learned that we had a cockroach infestation. I was informed that we had no food at the apartment. I was hungry, we had rice and ground sausage, so I ate that. I still felt the same intensity of pain that I had earlier. I prayed for it to go away and for tomorrow to be better. I fell asleep with an aching heart.

I woke up in the morning at 6:30. I studied the scriptures like I never had before. They were comforting, something I could control. I read a lot. I got hungry again, and found an orange on top of the fridge. I started to peel it and [Companion] said "I don't know about that one, those are super old," but I was starving so I took my chances. We went finding. It felt so wrong again. I wasn't getting to know anyone, I wasn't helping anyone. I was just being annoying and treating them as a statistic. I couldn't take it anymore. We finished our hour and headed back to the car. I told [Companion] how I felt. He told me that it wasn't wrong to invite people, but that is what we were hear to do. We weren't here to help people, we were here to invite them to Christ. I was confused. Service is how Christ helped people. After he got to know them he told them about the gospel. I said that something wass going to have to change because I couldn't do that every day. We talked about it forever, and I didn't feel very listened to. He pretty much just told me how maybe a mission wasn't going to be what I thought it was and that I needed to change my perspective. I had the same sinking feeling I had the day before. My heart felt like it was going to explode. [Companion] scheduled a call with the mission president for Monday night. I thanked him.

I realized soon after that I wasn't being a problem. I decided the following day that I was going to do things a little differently than the day before. Instead of saying, "Do you want to come to church with us?" I asked, "Do you want to be in a short video about gratitude?" The results were much more positive. I had conversations, got to know people, and gave them an opportunity to feel gratitude in their lives. It felt good. It felt Christ-like. I was doing good in the world. I spread the gospel. My companion was silent. He didn't speak to anyone. I did the same thing the following day. I am in a YSA, so I go finding on college campuses. However, we went to a park on the third day because of an event happening at Carleton. Everyone said no, but one lady wanted to talk. We gave her the link to general conference. Who knows what happened there. We talked to her forever.

After that, we went to the gas station to find my companion a soda that he wanted. We talked more. As I was being lectured about being a better missionary, I watched people giving food and clothes to a homeless man. It hurt my heart deeply to realize that they were being better missionaries than I was. I bought him a drink because that's what I thought missionaries should be doing, not pestering people about their church. We have had 3 lessons. The first I didn't say much. [Companion] preached the whole time, didn't acknowledge the guy's questions, and cut him off at exactly 20 minutes to say that we had to go. I told Imaad that prayer was supposed to be something personal and he could say what he wanted. I then gave the prayer and didn't let him copy me line for line like he did with [Companion]. Our second lesson, I took charge and got to know who we were teaching. The third lesson, I did it again, and went off script from what [Companion] was doing because I felt like the Book of Mormon had what she was looking for. He was upset a little bit about that, but I didn't care, because she said she wanted to read it.

[Companion] tried to use my card to buy things because he has no money. I don't know where it went. I told him it had to stop today. I never know our schedule. I am not included in communications with members and friends. He doesn't seem to be keeping commitments or following up with our friends. It is bringing people down. He did not let us go get food to eat because it wasn't our p-day and he said Costco would be better. He used my card to buy himself some grocery items before I knew there was nothing at home. I ate rice with ranch for several days. I don't have a SIM card or driving privileges, so I don't know what is going on. I couldn't reach out to other missionaries or mission leaders for help. He shoots down what I say. I find beautiful things in the world now, and he tells me things like "they've always been there," or "yeah not really." I try my hardest not to be mean to him. He has on and off moods of fake kindness and passive aggression. I was getting really, really discouraged by him. He kept telling me that I wasn't there to help people, I was there to invite those who were ready to Christ.

I wish I could say it got better. I don't want to write a lot more, so I will end with what happened tonight.

I had my call with the mission president. It was terrible. He told me that [Companion] was the best they had, a great missionary and I should consider myself lucky to have him. I was told that my purpose was to find God's elect, and that we were supposed to focus our efforts on them. He didn't take the time to get to know my background or perspective. He didn't validate my feelings. He just told me I was wrong for wanting to help as many people as possible. Within the first 5 minutes, he told me that perhaps a service mission was better. He pretends to care about people, but he doesn't really. It made me very upset to hear what he said. I told him that I don't think he had an accurate perspective on [Companion] and that I didn't support the whole God's Elect idea. I said that God views everyone equally and that we should be trying to help as many people as we can with what they need. Then, when they are ready, they will remember those Elders who were kind and helped them and will want to reach out. I was informed that I was incorrect and that if I couldn't go out and do what Preach My Gospel said to do in chapter 7 every day for 6 hours, then I wasn't cut out to be here.

I have rarely felt anger as strong as I did after that call. I was struggling to find joy here, I was struggling to want to stay. But this is not missionary service. This is suffering. And I don't think I can be a part of it. I do not know how much longer I am staying. I don't think it is very long. I learned a lot on my short mission about caring for others and changing lives. This is not it for me. I will always love the gospel, but I cannot be a part of the culture being fostered at the Canada Montreal Mission. I am willing to talk about this with anyone. I don't want to hear half encouragements about how many blessings I'll get if I stay or how miracles are going to happen. I think missions are great for some people, but my experience has been so awful that I can't be here anymore. These last 5 days have been the worst in my entire life, and they have not been getting better.

I don't have any pictures to add here. I'll put them on the album. Wish me luck in the next few days. I am going to need it.

If you made it this far, know that I love you, and thank you for reading such a long email. I will keep doing these even if I go home.

Bye for now,

Will Ott