Novella X

10/28/24

Hello again, everyone.

I suppose it has been another blink of the eye for all of us. Maybe some people blink more than others. I felt like this week was a very slow blink.

I have learned a few things this week. I learned that I am not being trained. I learned more about the internal anatomy of a cockroach. I learned about the hierarchy of the organization I represent daily. I learned about Iran, Nigeria, Cote D'Ivoire (I can't remember how to do the accents, sorry), and many other countries. I'll let you know some of what happened.

CATEGORY: EVENTS AND HAPPENINGS

Our week was remarkably repetitive and boring. We kind of do a lot of sitting in our apartment. I am ready to leave when we are supposed to be leaving, and it seems that there may be minimal motivation to get up and go. Do me a favor and delete Facebook Reels from your acceptable activities. I deleted Facebook 3 weeks ago.

I have done a lot of thinking this week. I've realized that when left to do missionary work the way I know how and the way that I would want it done for me, I don't mind it too much. I know how to care about other people. I don't have to fake that part. Remember how talking to people was the worst 3 weeks ago? It is now the only thing that gets me through every day, because I don't just move on. I don't lead with church and I don't end with church. I just talk to people, even if they end up uninterested in the church, because they are worth my time. Despite what is wanted of me, I won't be a salesperson. I want to be more than that.

I've discovered something very interesting about people. If you show them you are a human being and talk to them about something they are interested in for just a few minutes, they will suddenly ask you a lot of questions. I don't even have to mention my missionary service. They'll ask something like "what's your tag for?" or "what brought you to Ottawa?" If you share things about your life with people, they share with you. "Oh, you're a missionary? What separates your church from the others?" Suddenly I'm having actually conversations about what we believe without walking up and testifying or preaching, which is a bit repulsive to the people here. Even if they say "no, I'm not interested," when I ask if they want to come, they usually start asking more questions and ask where the church is.

What is the goal? Am I trying to get people to add 1 more to our numbers for the week so that I can seem effective to the superiors? Or am I trying to foster actual change and discipleship in people? How can I better teach them to change their hearts for good and care about those around them? It starts with being an example. By caring about those around me and showing them that I can see past their agnostic front and as an individual, they are kind in return. I give them something to think about, something they actually think about, not throw out of their mind a few minutes later.

We have weekly meetings called "Joint Success," and this week's meeting made me feel very upset. I can't fully describe the near anger that was coursing through my mind with every beat of my heart. It was an ugly feeling. They are numbers meetings. I knew that before it started. However, the attitude surrounding this meeting was far worse. The zones each present their stats and their goals for next week, then typically share something about one of their baptisms. Each person who shared said the exact same things. They said so and so was so awesome because they just wanted so bad to be baptized and they are the best because they really wanna come to church. If that is true, great. Love to see it. But it was the way that most of the missionaries were so dismissive of the people. Then the mission president got on the meeting and said that "the direction of the area presidency is to focus wholly on the 6 key indicators" and that we needed to focus on going from "baptismal white to temple white". They didn't seem at all focused on being there for these people, it was just getting all the lessons into the Preach My Gospel app and adding another mark to the tally.

Is that success? The ward I am in has serious issues with new converts suddenly stopping their involvement with the church. On more than one occasion, missionaries will be teaching someone and helping them as new members, when they mysteriously no longer want to come to church and respond quite negatively to the missionaries. Why? From the most recent example, they were bombarded with texts and reminders and "ministerings" only when they didn't show up to church that week. When they went, nobody would talk to them, nobody would make friends with them. They formed no relationships at church and then as soon as they stopped going, their phone was ablaze with texts and calls and visits asking if they were okay and how they could help them get back to the covenant path. Not a good choice on behalf of the missionaries, members, and bishoprics who facilitated those things. Why focus so hard on getting someone to church when we can't focus on helping them grow closer to God and learn how to learn? Why send kids on missions if they aren't going to learn to think for themselves on how to help people?

Scriptures are typically thought of as leather-bound pages of writings from dead people. That is as literal as it gets. They are more than that, as you all know. They contain knowledge from people who came before, learning how to be better. They wrote it down because they wanted someone else to know it. We believe that our scriptures are inspired of God. They are stories of people just trying to figure it out. You're writing scripture. Just by living your life, you're writing scriptures into the minds of those around you.

I read more scriptures this week. Mine weren't on reams of paper. They were people that I talked to, who gave up much to chase a better life and flee captivity. They were things that I read and listened to about the world and about life. 

I read a play this week called "The Night Thoreau Spent in Jail". It nearly perfectly described my current condition. If you want to know how I actually feel, read this play. Email me and I will send you the copy that I've got. It was only 50 pages of play script, so maybe 25 actual pages. This play seemed a bit more scriptural than my scriptures did. It is a play about the life of Henry David Thoreau. He is thrown in jail because he won't pay his taxes to support to Mexican-American war. He didn't believe in what his organization was doing at that time with his money or his efforts, so he didn't support it. He stood up for what he believed in, and the only people who hated him were those in charge. Read this excerpt from the play, page 94:

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     HENRY: Can you lie in bed every morning? Have your breakfast brought to you---your soft boiled egg, your toast and tea? Can you lift your right hand to your mouth while your left hand---which is also you---your government---is killing men in Mexico? How can you swallow, Waldo? How can you taste? How can you breathe? You cast your ballot with your right hand---but has your left hand killed Henry Williams, running to be free!

     WALDO: Because I don't rant like Jeremiah, do you think I'm not outraged? I do what *can* be done!

     HENRY: That's not enough. Do the impossible. That's what you tell people in your lectures. But you don't really believe any of it, do you? You trundle up and down New England, stepping to the lectern with that beneficent smile, accepting the handshake of mayors and the polite applause of little old ladies. You go on singing your spineless benedictions.

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How often do we play Ralph Waldo Emerson? How often do we trundle through our pews --- through our lives --- step to our lecterns to declare our "beliefs", and then accept all the praise from the little old ladies and the presidencies?

I pose to you, reader, a question. What if you left that behind and found what you really needed to do to progress? I think the gospel advocates for this. What is the point in these mindless acts when they bring about no change? Repentance is change. Change is repentance. If you get up to say something in fast and testimony meeting, please speak from your heart. When you say I believe, or I testify, for heaven's sake, let it be what you truly believe. If you don't believe it, don't say you do. When thinking of what to say to a friend who is struggling, don't just tell them to go study and rely on Christ. Share with them what you did that helped you do that. Show them what you believe in. Do you believe in Christ? Then act that way. If you truly believe something, then say it, do it, and live it. But don't pretend. The world doesn't need more pretenders. 

I don't know if I will return "honorably" from a mission. I don't care. I know where my honor lies. However, I will come back 2 years from now a better person. I will come back having served and helped those around me come to know the example of Jesus Christ and what it can do for them. So far, a mission has not been effective in doing those things. I am not hopeless that it will change. I am going to make it to December and see if things improve. If I still feel the way that I do, then I will find a better way to serve people.

This email is already pretty long. I'll quickly mention the email that our president sent out to the missionaries with many rules and guidelines for many things that I didn't feel were something that he should be trying to manage. The tone of the email was pretty accusatory and fairly guilt stirring, which felt manipulative. It also said not to say anything negative about any part of the mission or its surrounding parts. That is something I will directly defy because telling people not to voice their concerns because you don't want people hearing about how things really are is wrong and I won't stand for it.

I'm looking for realness. I have found it in a couple of things that hopefully I'll have more to say about next week. I'm only here for two people, Matt and Vanessa, our two friends who I think need me right now. 

To save your eyes and your intellectual energy, I'll call this one and talk to you next week. If you have anything that stood out to you or something else you want to say, let me know.

I love you all.

Will Ott